twins part 2: lily balogh

Posted on May 10, 2012 by paul

As I was finishing college, deciding whether to go to med school or get my PhD in bio-archeology, I never believed there was an artist inside of me. I had taken pictures since I was 12 but never felt they had emotion. I decided to become a photographer anyway and moved to New York City, hoping something good would happen. That was almost 36 years ago. I think the crazy artist is finally coming out. It’s so good for my work. Read on!

Dancers are of a different breed. Their focus, strength, and inner beauty separate them from us common folk. You can spot them walking down the street. They are the gods among us.

My muse project began with Alison Cook Beatty. It wasn’t supposed to be only about dancers but it turned out that way. Alison is so shy but somehow gives me everything when she sits in front of the camera. Zarina Stahnke could read my mind. We never talked during a shoot. It was not necessary. I’d think about how I wanted her to move and she did it. There’s Erin Arbuckle, one of my new best friends, Naomi Rusalka, Jamie Rae Walker, Allyson Arena, Meaghan Hinkis, Juliet Doherty (the superstar), and recently Lily Balogh. They’re all much more than “models” to me. They’ve become special friends with a trust that’s supposed to take years to gain. The series is more about portraits than dance but it would never have been as strong without these dancers.

The “Twins” story really has two parts. I was hesitant to put another essay about Lily on my blog. We’ve spent so much time together during the five weeks we’ve known each other and have done 18 shoots. Our friendship and photographic relationship have become turbulent. Too much too fast? It’s so much like the stories I’ve read about famous painters and their muses, I’m not sure anymore if I know the difference between reality and my daydreams. I told Lily she should read the essay before I make it public. She told me to put it up. I began this journal to explore my inner feelings with the hope it would make my photography stronger. I’ll listen to Lily and go with my gut.

Twins Part II: Lily Balogh

Twins! I think I’ve had three of them in my lifetime. People I bond with so strongly they seem to be a part of me. The first one was Sara Jean in the summer of 1976. When we met nothing could keep us apart. I moved to New York City that August. Distance can change everything. Marsha was the summer of 1996. She lived in Riverside, California but we managed to see each other anyway. Husband, family and the reality of work finally broke us apart.

lily: twins photo #1

Lily is the newest of my emotional twins. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt such a strong bond with any other person. We’ve become so close so fast it’s altered our sense of reality. We’re together almost every day. We’ve done 18 shoots together. I feel like I’ve known Lily for years but it’s only been five weeks.. Sometimes spending an hour with her feels like an entire day. Other times it flashes by in a minute. Most of the time we travel at the same speed but on occasion our bond weakens and we move on slightly different paths. Neither of us knows how to handle this and we’ll fight like two thirteen year old kids. Two twins who suddenly realize they’re not exactly alike. A minute later we’re back on the same path again and our minds our one.

I have no explanation for this. I do know the feeling translates into the wonderful photographs we’ve done together. Lily is no longer the person I first met. She’s a different, stronger, more emotional person. I’m not sure yet how I have changed. I’m almost three times her age and more set in my ways. It will take longer to see the effect on me. I often wonder if the age difference will be the catalyst to separate us as distance was with Sara Jean and family with Marsha.

lily: twins photo #2

There are three photographs of Lily where I see me looking back at myself. It makes me wonder what identical twins think when they look at each other, especially as young children. Is it both physical and emotional? When I look at the three photos of Lily I see my emotions and personality coming right back at me. It is in the eyes. The first photograph is from an early shoot, when our bond was first cemented. My portrait shoots can be intimate and Lily trusted me so quickly.

The second photograph is one of my all time favorite portraits. Something clicked with Lily that day. She became the muse of my dreams. Every time I look at the photograph, joy and happiness explode in my heart. Strength, warmth, trust; every positive emotion and everything I look for is in a photograph is there.

lily: twins photo #3

The last picture is more difficult to explain. It was taken by window light with Lily laying across my bed. The last time I had a model posing on that spot was Marsha. You have to have a very trusting relationship with a model if you’re going to ask them to pose half naked on your bed. I think Lily’s level of comfort blew me away. I didn’t have to worry about how she felt. All I did was take pictures. She is so relaxed and natural looking. No talking. No posing. Two people making magic happen. For a moment we were one mind and soul. Truly twins. Hopefully forever.

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twins: marsha reina feinberg

Posted on May 9, 2012 by paul

marsha: by the light of my bedroom window

Twins. I don’t mean the genetic type. I’m talking about emotional twins. Two people, when they meet, can’t get enough of each other and after a few days, act as if they’ve known each other for years. They understand each other’s thoughts and quickly have no secrets. It’s something that only happens a few times in one’s lifetime. The bond is intense and forever.

I first spotted Marsha sitting a few rows in front of me in the press section at the 1996 Arnold Classic Bodybuilding Competition. We were both there to photograph the event. I don’t remember what struck me about her but I knew immediately I had to meet her. When I’m working at a competition or a dance performance, I usually keep to myself. I don’t like to talk or be social. I need to concentrate on taking pictures. I figured I’d see Marsha at the next show and made a mental note to seek her out next time.

These bodybuilding and fitness competitions are grueling 3 day weekend events for the photographers. Everyone important attends these shows and it’s the best time to photograph as many people as possible. Shooting begins in the early morning and goes well past midnight. We all use our hotel rooms as studios so we tear apart to space to make it work as best as we can. Often the bed is pushed up on it’s edge against the wall (imagine what the maid’s think when they clean the rooms) so there’s more room to set up lights. Most nights I throw the pillows on my photo background and end up sleeping on the floor.

marsha in her swimming pool. riverside, california

The day after the competition I was booked non-stop. I only had one thirty minute break during the entire day and I needed that time to regroup so I could make it through all of my shoots. I used the time to pass out on my background while I waited for the next model to arrive. It seemed like it was only a few minutes when I heard a knock on the door. There was Marsha, standing at my door with the model I had just finished shooting. It turned out that Marsha had no studio and needed to shoot this model for one of the fitness magazines. Would I let her use my space? I couldn’t believe it. The woman who had caught my eye was standing right in front of me.

I was so tired. I told her, “No”, and closed the door. It probably took two seconds for me to realize I was a stupid idiot and I ran down the hotel’s hallway, catching Marsha and the model just before they got into the elevator. I let her use my studio.

A week later, I’m back at home in New York City and a package arrives with a thank you note and a bottle of wine. It’s so rare anyone thanks me for anything. I was impressed. I called Marsha to thank her for the gift. As it turned out, Marsha and I were both photographing another competition a month later in Santa Monica, California. I told her to book a room at the same hotel. It was a converted apartment building near the beach and the rooms were big enough to set up a full studio. We could get rooms a few doors down from each other. We’d have a photo party!

marsha: at the cal-mar hotel

I was right about Marsha. She was a great person and we became instant best friends. We were inseparable that week. Since Marsha was new to photography I became her mentor. But Marsha also loved to be on the other side of the camera and she also became one of the best models I ever photographed. She was my muse.

Marsha and I were like twins. We were stronger together than when we were apart. Marsha lived outside of Los Angeles so I made as many trips there for work as possible so we could spend time together. When I couldn’t go to LA, Marsha traveled to New York. I photographed Marsha everywhere. She was fearless and has this thing about getting naked. Topless in front of City Hall. Naked in Central Park. Topless in the subway.

marsha in central park

The best was the time we drove to Charleston, S.C. to shoot another fitness competition. Marsha and I had already been together every second of every day for two weeks. One day in Charleston, going to lunch with friends, we decided to travel in separate cars. My car got lost! It’s hard to believe but both of us were terribly upset to be apart for one hour. Marsha was mad at me for riding in a different car. Twins!

During the drive back from Charleston, Marsha and I took pictures all along the way home. Somewhere in North Carolina we passed an empty old house on a country road. Of course Marsha had to get naked for pictures on the front porch. The pictures turned out great but…POISON OAK! We both got it. Of course I was wearing clothes so I only got it on my arms and legs. Marsha’s entire body was covered with blotches. It was difficult to explain this to the dermatologist. We shared the steroid prescription. Twins.

marsha somewhere in north carolina

At some point we had to get back to our real lives. Marsha was married and ready to have children. I stopped photographing bodybuilding and wanted to stay home to photograph dance in New York. Sixteen years later we are still close. Now when I travel to Southern California I photograph Marsha with her daughters, Troi and Sophia. Marsha has raised them to be beautiful children and trained them from birth to be perfect models. I still think about Marsha a lot. Twins forever!

marsha and troi

marsha and sophia

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lily balogh: an experiment in photography

Posted on April 23, 2012 by paul

lily balogh: my favorite portrait 04/19/12

I’ve had a shoot almost every day for the past seven weeks. It’s difficult to remember what I’ve done. Madison McDonough, Paul Taylor Dance, Erin Arbuckle, Columbia Ballet Collaborative, Orchestra of St. Lukes, Ballet Next, Laura Halzack, and a lot of shoots with Lily Balogh.

At first, the experiment was to see how long I could shoot almost every day without going crazy. Then it became “how many shoots could I do with Lily”, keeping the ideas fresh and getting better all the time. I had no idea after meeting Lily for the first time on April 4th, we would do 12 shoots together in less than 3 weeks, at one point shooting seven days in a row. We probably would have done more (if it was up to Lily) but on a few occasions when we got together, I just needed to sit and talk so I could study her face. The short breaks helped me learn more about her and move on artistically, not falling into a rut.

This is one journal entry where the words are not necessary. I’ll let the pictures tell the story. All I know is in 3 weeks, Lily has made me a better photographer, no matter what is in front of my camera. So much warmth in one person.

lily balogh: the mirror series. 04/03/12

lily balogh: sheer fabric tube. 04/06/12

lily balogh: 04/09/12

lily balogh: keeping warm. 04/10/12

lily balogh: in my apartment. 04/13/12

lily balogh: on my rooftop. 04/14/12

lily balogh: jasper as her pillow. 04/15/12

lily balogh: riverside park. 04/16/12

lily balogh: after dusk on my rooftop. 04/17/12

lily balogh: audition photo. 04/18/12

lily balogh: laughing in the black shirt. 04/19/12

lily balogh: reflected light. 04/22/12

lily balogh: with sasha...a picture I love very much. 04/19/12

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04/04/12: lily

Posted on April 5, 2012 by paul

lily in the daylight studio

Here I am, sitting in Costco and eating one of their wonderful hot dogs. I’m not sure why this is the moment I need to write, but when the inspiration hits you have to go with it. Why don’t I ever get inspired to write in the comfort of my own home?

Normally I research the models I photograph for a long time before I ask them to do a shoot. If it’s a dancer who works with a company I shoot for, I’ll study how they move. How they interact with other people. If it’s an acquaintance I meet at a party or other social event, I’ll study their face carefully every time we meet. With the explosion of Facebook, a lot of the women I now shoot I’ve met as a Facebook “friend”. Sometimes the woman is a friend of a friend of a friend; several steps removed from anyone I actually know. In that case, I’ll kind of stalk their page for months. Viewing their pictures, seeing if they love to be in front of the camera, and checking to see if they speak kindly to their friends.

lily: the mirror series

Lily contacted me on Facebook a few days ago and asked if I’d be interested in photographing her. I checked out her page and her look really wasn’t my style. Too sweet! I’m always looking for strong and moody women. It’s who I shoot well. I don’t do any smiling shots. They always seem so fake to me. But I felt I could hear Lily’s voice in her message. There was something so kind and honest in the way she spoke I felt I had no choice but to work with her. I’ve learned I can make mistakes and sometimes my original sense of how a person will photograph is wrong.

Juliet Doherty is one of those cases. I thought she be a geeky, giggling little girl and I’d be lucky if I got one special photo from her. Don’t get me wrong. She’s an amazing dancer but that’s not what interests me. Ha! Juliet blew me away. So there Mr. Paul B. Goode! Juliet impressed me so much I shot her three times in one week. I couldn’t get enough of her. Between her and her mom, Krista, who I also photographed, I got some wonderful photos and I can’t wait to see them both again in a few weeks.

The second I open my front door and see a model I’ve never met before, I generally know how a shoot is going to go. I wasn’t sure when I first saw Lily’s face. She was more exotic looking than her Facebook pictures and that was a good sign. When she arrived, I was at the tail end of another portrait shoot. The idea was to have the shoots overlap so I could use the two models together for my mirror series. Barbara Purcell, the other model and a beautiful redhead, was already completely relaxed and in goddess mode.

lily with barbara purcell

The contrast between their two faces worked perfectly but I wasn’t sure Lily could catch up to Barbara’s energy. Barbara already had a two hour head start to relax and understand what I need in a photograph. Maybe it took Lily two minutes to catch up to Barbara and do the goddess thing for the camera. I used to call it the “movie star” look. Either holding the mirror herself or as the reflection, Lily’s gaze is so intense and beautiful I can’t take my eyes off of her.

lily in the sheer black tube

Lily and I shot for almost 4 hours without a break (except for a quick snack of dried mangoes). 4300 pictures! Every now and then Lily would get a little nervous or insecure but we’d laugh and she’d go right back into goddess mode. We shot in a sheer black tube I’ve used many times and Lily brought a different point of view to the fabric. The first models I shot in it appeared almost in a meditative state. The last one before Lily, Madison McDonough, was stronger than the earlier models but still with a great sense of calm. Lily’s pictures in the black tube are the most intense. Not what I expected. Her eyes are so fierce. In some pictures her gaze is so strong and confident it honestly scared me a bit the first time I saw them.

lily at the garden mirror

Often while shooting the mirror series, I need to stand right next to the model, just out of the mirror’s reflection. For one series with Lily, the best angle had me pressed hard against her side. I realized Lily could use me for support, allowing her to give me more interesting shapes with her body. This was a different and enlightening experience for me. I shoot fast and as I clicked away, I could feel the movement in Lily’s body as she changed poses. I think it allowed both of us to connect better as each picture was taken. Not only could I see when to take the next picture but I could also feel it.

Lily seemed the most relaxed while we shot these images. I wonder what she was thinking? I often feel very connected to the models while shooting. Something almost telepathic. The physical contact added a new dimension of closeness and trust. The strength of the photographs prove to me it was something positive. Lily and I are shooting again in 2 days.

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04/01/12: a lost muse

Posted on April 1, 2012 by paul

I spent most of the weekend wandering the AIPAD photography gallery show at The Armory. I must have looked at thousands of photographs. So many great and inspirational images. Some of my favorite pictures were portraits and nudes of the photographers’ muses. At times, as I walked down the aisles filled with photographs, I wanted to run home, grab one of my favorite models and start shooting. At times I was so inspired I needed to sit and rest. I felt out of breath. The weight of my inspiration was too heavy to bear.

Throughout the show there were several groups of portraits of Frida Kahlo. As a great artist she met and knew many photographers and was often photographed. The portraits of her are amazing. So much personal strength.

marieka at my desk

Every time I see a portrait of Frida it reminds me of my friend Marieka and it makes me frustrated and sad. In my heart and soul, Marieka is supposed to be my muse. Marieka won’t let me photograph her. Sometimes my need to have Marieka sitting in front of me and photograph her feels desperate.

I’m not sure why? Photographing Madison, Erin, and Alison is so fulfilling. There’s something different about Marieka and the connection I feel with her. I can explain with pictures but they only exist in my imagination.

We once tried a quick portrait but nothing was there. Marieka didn’t want me to take a good picture. Nothing of her soul (or mine) appears in the photographs. I did manage to get one quick snapshot on another night Marieka stopped by my apartment. I love the photograph. I’ll always hope to take more.

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madison mcdonough: magical muse

Posted on March 24, 2012 by paul

self-portrait with madison

I can’t figure out why, but photographing Madison feels the same as shooting my own self-portrait. It’s an odd sense, especially after the shoot is finished and I’ve walked Madison home. I talk a lot during our walk. It makes me realize how little I say while we’re shooting.

the very first picture i took of madison

I often feel comfortable with my models. Sometimes during the first shoot they already feel like a friend, sister, daughter, lover… someone I’ve known and become close to for a long time. I tend to study my models before the first shoot and obviously I’m looking for personalities I can bond with. I try to put Madison into one of those categories but it doesn’t work. The best way to describe how I see her during our shoots is as the apparition of all the models I’ve seen in my daydreams. When she walks into my apartment, my spirit and the energy of the 35 years of the photography filling my home somehow seep into her mind and she becomes a tangible, breathing live version of my thoughts. She seems more comfortable in my home than anyone I’ve ever photographed.

madison at my bedroom mirror

Time stands still when I photograph Madison. Three or four hours pass like an instant. Hours later my memory of the shoot is like a dream. Bits and pieces are remembered through a layer of fog.

madison in my garden

I love the pictures I’m taking of Madison. Seeing them on the screen or as a print, I know that they are honest and real. Madison makes me see the light better. There’s something special inside her I still need to capture. I’m looking forward to it.

madison on my rooftop at twilight

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moods and muses: 03/07/12

Posted on March 7, 2012 by paul

I hadn’t been in a great mood for several days. Instead of going to a friend’s fun party on Sunday I did a self-portrait to record my mood. Melancholy days don’t happen very often in my life. I was having issues with how I’m dealing with my career. I’m working on some big projects now and they’re taking so long to complete. I often fell like the world is flying by and I’m getting nothing done. Of course that’s not true. When each month is over I look back at what I’ve done over the past 30 days and the accomplishments are tremendous. But that doesn’t always help. It’s not easy to see progress on a long term project. The results after shooting a job, a dress rehearsal for Bill T. Jones or Paul Taylor, that’s easy to see. When the shoot is over I deliver the pictures and I’m finished. Job done. I move on to the next shoot. When I’m shooting for a book or a gallery exhibition it seems endless. The amount of shoots necessary can take years. Normally that process is fulfilling but this week it brought me down.

alison and erin in the studio

I’m guessing the real reason has nothing to do with photography. I have too much stuff. My things fill a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 closets and 2 large storage rooms across the street. Just imagine how much space 40,000 rolls of film and 25,000 prints take up! And that’s besides my coffee mug collection, fossil and bone collection, high school and college photo albums, 1,500 cds that have been copied to a hard drive, photo equipment, etc., etc. If I didn’t do something soon I’d be featured on an episode of Hoarders! So I decided I had to get rid of enough of my stuff and downsize one of my storage rooms. I’ve been giving away my old “stuff” to Goodwill for months. I think they could dedicate a wing in my name at their home office with all the money they made off my possessions.

Anyway, at the end of last week I began the move into the smaller room and for some reason that set off my bad mood. I realized how much time I’d spent over the past few months doing what I thought was a simple task and realized how much of that time could have been spent taking pictures or working on a print version of my journal. Doing the self-portrait on Sunday helped and a walk through Central Park with a few hours spent wandering the Metropolitan Museum of Art almost brought me back to normal. Sometimes great art can be mood altering. But after working in storage for six hours on Monday I just lost it. My life was in front of me among all my collections and I wondered if I was crazy keeping the fossils I collected from fifth grade through high school. Should I keep the bag of bones from some large animal I found in the northern Nevada desert?

alison and erin in my bedroom

I was so exhausted emotionally when I got home. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get myself up for Tuesday’s shoot. It was a personal portrait session with my main muse Alison (Cook Beatty) and Erin Arbuckle, one of my all time favorite models. Because of my mirror project, I’ve planned for a while to bring together pairs or groups of my muses for this series of shoots. This was the first test and I knew it would be interesting for many reasons. Alison is my main muse. I think this was our 28th shoot together. But she can be extremely shy and solitary so I was worried how she’d deal with the presence of a second muse. The first time I tried something like this with Alison it didn’t go very well.

Although Erin is one of my favorite models, having shot together three times, I’ve felt it impossible to get inside her head. Normally by the second shoot with a model I’ve made a connection. For some reason Erin was blocking me out. I did feel this shoot would be a step forward but I was wondering how I was going to deal with the emotional obstacles of the shoot when I was fighting with my own emotional state?

I woke up on Tuesday morning, fed the cats (they’re always first) and began to set up for the shoot. Normally I have endless super realistic daydreams about upcoming shoots but up to this point my mind had been blank. I pulled out some of the vintage dresses I thought might work on Erin and after seeing the pink lace prom dress images from the future shoot came flooding into my brain. It was daydream overload. The mental dam had broken. I could see Erin in the pink dress and Alison dressed in black, posing, reflected in my bedroom mirror. My visualizations can often seem so real they include complete conversations between me and the models. Now I was motivated and the energy of the coming shoot cleared my head and raised my spirits.

alison and erin in the studio

Erin arrived first. She has a cold so I made her a cup of tea and we talked for a while. I brought out the pink dress liked it. I wasn’t sure myself how it was going to work but when I saw Erin hold up the dress I knew it was going to be perfect. When she put it on, Erin was transformed. She looked so beautiful in the dress. It worked so well with her long soft wavy blonde hair. A person I hadn’t noticed before emerged in that dress.

erin in the pink dress with alison as an apparition

I began shooting Erin alone at first, against my bedroom mirror. The daylight flooded through the garden in my window. The reflections in the old mirror were soft and dream like. I’ve owned that pink dress for decades and have used it for several shoots. But it never looked as good on anyone as it did on Erin. The tone of the dress matched Erin’s skin and they seemed as one. I would have to say her beauty left me speechless. That doesn’t happen very often. I don’t think I expected the first photographs to be so perfect. Whatever melancholy was left in my head disappeared and I got down to business. Not every shoot starts out so well and I didn’t want to lose what I saw in the camera.

After a short time I realized I needed Alison to become part of the picture. My original idea was to have Alison in all black, strong in expression, holding a mirror with a passive Erin in the pink dress as the reflection. The picture was supposed to be done with Erin against a white background but the lighting in my bedroom was so beautiful I decided to shoot the picture there. I tossed Alison a black tank top, thinking she’d come back wearing it with her jeans, but Alison came back into the room wearing nothing but the little shirt. It was kind of funny. We could tell Alison was a bit nervous wearing only the short shirt and feeling a bit exposed. I couldn’t help but laugh. I told Alison she was supposed to wear the tank with her jeans but in my mind there was no turning back. Alison has amazing legs and as long as she was showing off I wasn’t going to let her cover them up now.

Erin backed into the mirror on the door and Alison stood behind me as the reflection. Through the fog of the mirror, Alison looked like a phantom apparition lurking behind Erin. It was spooky and kind of mystical. We all became lost in the shoot as we experimented with other mirrors and positions. So few words were spoken. Nothing needed to be said. My only words directed the angle of the mirror or the direction of their gaze.

the photographer with alison and erin

I guess I’m writing all of this to explain how taking portraits and the bond I have with the women who become my muses gives me strength. We moved from the bedroom into the daylight studio and Erin changed outfits. I’ve been doing a lot of self-portraits with my muses during the mirror series and thought it would be great to get a nice shot adding myself into the picture with Erin and Alison. After struggling to hold the camera still at one sixth of a second with one hand while trying to shoot the three of us together, I finally got smart and put the camera on a tripod and used a remote so I could concentrate as a model instead of the photographer.

So I’m shooting away and trying to look halfway decent for the portrait when I look up at Erin to see what kind of expressions she’s giving to the camera. It was incredible! I’m on Alison’s left and the camera is to the right of her. I have no idea what the camera is seeing. Erin is in front of us holding a mirror. Alison and I are the reflection seen by the camera. (It’s more confusing in life than you can believe.) 100% of Erin’s attention was into the camera even though I wasn’t there behind it. It was if I was watching my own shoot. Erin moved as if I was directing her but I wasn’t saying a word. I returned to the reflection in the mirror and Alison was doing the same. She was so totally focused into the lens of the camera which she could see reflected in the mirror. I had to watch the two of them for a few moments as I clicked away. They were so immersed in the shoot they had no idea I was watching them. Erin and Alison were working so hard to give me great photographs.

alison and erin

I’ve always known that but seeing it happen, away from the camera, made me feel so good and special. Both of them cared enough about me and my work to give me everything they have, even when I wasn’t behind the camera. If that’s not enough to make a person feel strong and happy about life I don’t know what is. The two of them certainly energized me.

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shoot #25 with alison cook beatty: trying on vintage dresses. 02/17/12

Posted on February 18, 2012 by paul

The email’s title was “Emergency dress…Alison SOS”. Alison has a performance of her solo piece on Sunday and the dress she borrowed from a friend wasn’t working out. I have a closet full of vintage dresses I’ve collected over the years and Alison hoped she could borrow one to wear in her piece. I’ve photographed Alison in many of the dresses so I knew some would fit her. Of course I told her she should stop by.

Alison is my main muse. If I need to try out a new idea it’s always on her. She never says no. Alison knows how important the shoots are to me. I didn’t tell Alison I planned to photograph her while she tried on my dresses. I didn’t tell her I planned on writing about the shoot in my journal tonight. It’s a good thing I didn’t.

alison in the yellow dress

Alison Had an unusual up and down day. I knew this from her Facebook posts. When she called to say she was on her way she sounded exhausted and exasperated. I wasn’t quite sure how I’d spring the shoot on her.

We picked out some dresses and Alison first tried on a pale yellow 50′s style dress. The tone of the dress matched her hair and skin tone. She was in the bathroom getting dressed when I told her we were going to shoot. Alison and I laugh a lot together. All I heard coming from the bathroom was endless laughter. Not a word from her. At least she was taking it with a sense of humor.

My plan was to shoot against my bedroom mirror. It’s old and fogged. I shot Lauren Alpert there a couple of weeks ago and love how the pictures turned out. It’s also the place where my mirror series began.

Alison rested up against the mirror and we began to shoot. There was something kind of spooky about the pictures. The fogged reflections were ghostlike. Alison’s mood added to the feel that her reflection was an apparition of herself from some past life. Alison is shy and it often takes her a few minutes to get comfortable when we’re shooting. This time she was at full strength after three frames. I mentioned this to her and wondered where it came from.

alison and her apparition

We shot in two more dresses. Something different was definitely going on in Alison’s head so I did a lot of close-ups. Alison wasn’t wearing much makeup. There was a simple beauty to the paleness of both her skin and her expression. I think I felt closer to her than during any other shoot.

self-portrait with Alison at my bedroom mirror

Alison arrived wearing all black so we finished the shoot in her own clothes. I’ve been including myself in some of the mirror shoots and since I felt a special connection to Alison tonight I decided to try a portrait with the two of us together. As we were shooting, I asked Alison to grab her hair. The shape her body took as Alison raised her hands over her head framed my face perfectly behind her.

Alison so often seems like a giggling little girl. It’s what’s so great about her. There’s not a mean bone in her body. Tonight she was different. In the last pictures with the two of us, she seems so womanly. Not physically older but emotionally a different person. Now looking at the portrait of the two of us, I can’t take my eyes off her gaze. It’s so strong and knowing. It’s like the apparition in the mirror fused with the Alison I know. I’d like to know where it came from.

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